it’s 6.19am and i’ve been up all night (having woke up at 1am after an “afternoon nap” HML)

and an eventful eve it has been

wowzers, i don’t even think i want to tell you what i did – yes even YOU dear diary – so i shall spare my blushes for now but suffice to say the levels of HML / FML / KMN are pretty high, higher than weezy in a VAT of sizzurp

speaking of VAT i have yet to pay mine… mortaldom SUXXXX

HML factor compounded by my mum shuffling out of her room and sweetly asking whether i was still “working hard” – bless her and shame on me.

right now as i’m grazing on party photos and general internet nonsense like a drunken calf my mother is in the bath saying her prayers for a new day. wow.

side note: STOP looking at FB photos of people you DON’T like.

my leg is jigging furiouslyyyyy partly down to the freezing cold and my disdain for wearing socks indoors – i was born to be wiiiiiiiiiiiild… and barefoot – and partly due to nervous energy from knowing that i’ll have to do something unpleasant eminently.

something that will be difficult to accomplish undetected and will have its inherent vileness doubled by the fact my fingers taste like nail varnish remover (after a botched attempt at a home manicure sigh) waaaaaaaaaargh

many many many minutes have since elapsed and aside from swimming even further into the murky waters of EXTREME FB NOSIENESS and my feet having accomplished a staggering feat of metamorphosis into concrete breezeblocks.

side note: (side note to the side note – it feels like my WHOLE LIFE is one giant sidenote at present tsk) i love that the mere sight of the words REVEREND AL SHARPTON made me laugh out loud just now. out loud. wow.

” wasn’t nuthin strange about yo’ daddy ”


just remembered that i must get my passport photo done today which then reminded me that shortly i’ll have to get in touch with my agents >>> cue: “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY OOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEAH” rant. agents take the piss i swear.

it narks me no end that they do absolutely BUGGER ALL for my career instead of diligently fishing for some juicy carp (read work) they just chuck out a dusty old net and leave it there and see what happens – no effort what so ever – and believe me it DOESNT pay off, i can’t even get a bloody minnow, let alone carp. at present i’m grateful for a bit of detritus.


how to resolve this quandary

side noete: how NOT to be driven CLINICALLY insane by my mother’s religious rantings and ravings – if it’s not chanting it’s humming and if it’s not humming it’s singing OUT OF TUNE FML FTWWWWW.

i need better hair.


hair resolves all ills.

ok lemme watch the last half of friday’s eastenders.

it scares me senseless that the above sentance was written no less than 6 hours ago. SIX FUCKING HOURS.

the internet is evil and the devil is a liar. a goddamn liar. a filthy wretched mind-stealing liar.


and yet i could browse the wonders of the 37 tabs i currently have open forever.

alas it is 2.42pm and my mother shall bustle in noisily in a matter of hours – letting the door slam so loud my eardrums lose the will to live. eternal silence doesn’t seem half as damning compared to the noise pollution she emits. the only pleasing sounds she makes are her snickers-induced farts which make me snigger like a four year old every time. literally EVERYTIME.

for these i am truly thankful for my ears.

now then the kitchen is a state and i have left a trail of destruction in my wake from today’s exploits – kitchen to bathroom to living room to bed… LIVING ON THE EDGE. tis true.

anyhoo the time has now come for me to reverse my ruinous behaviour and attempt to function normally. joy.

i think i’ll cook a courgette. yes. i shall.