…wildeve is an indelible blot on my heart

i keep thinking of him longingly of late. there’s a heady mix of guilt for having shut him out whilst my brain was holidaying in hades (and thus missing the opportunity to see him before he moved to the states, despite his most diligent of efforts) and a kind of awkwardness at my inability to reconcile my strong feelings of love and affection for him with anything grounded in reality, anything tangible, anything that isn’t coated in the thick irridescent gloss of romanticism that my brain is wont to slathering when it comes to encounters with the opposite sex.

i can’t help it

” To be loved to madness – such was her great desire. Love was to her the one cordial which could drive away the eating loneliness of her days. And she seemed to long for the abstraction called passionate love more than for any particular lover.”

and thus i find myself teetering on a traffic island – torn between guarded distance and extreme intense affection with cars racing on both sides of the road threatening to run me over… overblown emotion has always been my forte.

why oh why can’t things be NORMAL or failing that perhaps i should find someone as mad as me. felt a little bit funny writing the word mad just then, it’s all a little bit close to home at present.

i wish i was better at talking to him

side note: BREAKTHROUGH alert – in an effort to drop the superflous pompous lexicon try to write as SUCCINCTLY and as simply as possible. go back and rephrase if you have to.

i digress… yes… i wish i was better at talking to him (and others) about normal things like x factor and ….erm…. whatever else NORMAL people talk about (see i’m not au fait with mortal witterings at ALL) rather than everything always descending into some insecure/aggrandized rant made by me about who? yep, that’s right ME again. yawn. in my defence it’s hard not to be self-obsessed when with someone who is so guarded. that heart of his holds a million and one secrets i bet. fuck going to outer space (soz branson) i’d give anything for a ticket to his brain. i’d love to know what goes on in there.

sidenote: must increase concentration span this year. SRSLY.

all this makes it very hard to decipher whether i’m in love with him or simply the idea of him and whether i’m even in love at all.

grrr it’s all so confusing. hmph hmph and double bumpfh.

got growing pains in my right leg to boot.

24 and still growing… ain’t that the troof?

will i ever pass puberty? pleeeeeeeaaaaaze.

enough with the ANGST already. it’s so yawnsome.

waaaargh restless energyyyyyy

don’t know what to do with myself.

perchance i’ll try out the gym? (you know the one i joined yesterday, yup that’s me version 4.0 – my latest incarnation is officially a gym member, it remains to be seen whether that’ll translate into a gym USER but hey let’s not kill the high)

hmmm i think it’s worth trying a snooze, failing that i shall treat myself to a cafe brekky and then hit that frightening flourescent lit temple of PAIN. wooooooo yeah.

x

E

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